I’m currently 28 years old and feeling an overwhelming need to make a drastic change in my life. A typical case of the Return of Saturn I’m sure. (http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/SaturnReturn.htm)
I’ve felt a change brewing for a few years now, starting with a relationship breakup in 2009 which led to a complete change of life path.
That relationship had come into my life at a tender age, when I was looking desperately for male acceptance and love. In saying this, I am not implying that I clung to the first male who showed me love and affection. (Others had come before him from whom I had practically run screaming in the other direction. I let them get close because it was nice to have someone to love me, but soon just seeing them would make me physically sick. I just knew I needed to get away and never look back. Unfortunately this broke some hearts.) No, this was real love and I believe it was my destiny. We were only 15 and met through friends. There was an instant connection, a feeling of total comfort and anxiousness at the same time. We became inseparable and grew and learned together for many years.
I was grateful for his love and protection and I allowed him to take control. When I shared my use of angel cards he was horrified and told me it was evil. Although I didn’t share his belief in Christianity, I learned never to bring up my beliefs around him again and slowly, with time, I let most of them go and built up a wall of scepticism to keep them at bay.
Through his family I learned the meanings of bigotry, hypocrisy and co-dependency.
We were both risk-takers and dabbled in alcohol and drugs from early on. I spent my entire year from 20-21 in a drug induced haze, but this wasn’t something that was going to become my life. Just before my 21st birthday I cut all prescription and recreational drugs from my life and at a time when I probably should have been walking away from the relationship we instead signed the mortgage documents to our first house. From the very beginning I said, “Two years and then we will sell and go travelling”. I was beginning to reignite my inner power.
The next two years were a rollercoaster of addiction and sobriety for me, while he remained reasonably consistent in his addiction. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, you name it. My subconscious knew for a long time that we needed to part, but I refused to let go. I became physically ill with bout after bout of tonsillitis, bowel blockages and extraordinarily bad flus over and over again. I clung to the hope of regaining that connection we once had, but it was gone. I was trying to revive a corpse and I was exhausted.
My mum has since told me that when I was 5 a palm reader at a country market took my hand and foretold that I would be heartbroken at 22 and boy, was I ever!
Yes, he found someone else before we officially broke up. He had formed a connection elsewhere and I felt rejected, hurt and completely empty. Yes it was awful, but his actions gave me no other option than to make a clean break. I cut him from my life completely and slowly, but surely I also cut ties with most of the people I was connected with during that phase of my life. We sold the house and I even left my job.
What came next was a massive transformation. I had never felt so unashamedly free and yet so totally lost at the same time. As if I had been held prisoner in a foreign country for years; I finally escaped only to find myself in a strange foreign land saying to myself, “What the hell am I supposed to do now?”
Since 2009 I have travelled a lot. Mostly as a way to escape and to deal with my feelings of abandonment, but also in search of my true calling.
I am in a relationship with a loving boyfriend who I believe is the manifestation of my hopes and dreams of the perfect partner. He has been extremely supportive of me while I have been on this journey and I hope we can continue to grow and evolve together for many years to come.
I changed careers from a stressed out, overworked public servant to a committed and passionate community services worker, although I am now feeling an urgent need to make another move.
But most importantly, through all of this I felt the urge to explore my spiritual calling and have been gradually knocking down the walls that I built up all those years ago.
So I’ve decided to document my journey to ‘enlightenment’ through this blog which I have dedicated to the ancient Priestess, Enheduanna (more on her later). It is my hope that I can make connections with people on a similar journey as well as inspire others who are standing on the edge to take the plunge.
I will be making plans and setting goals and seeking out like minded individuals to connect with and learn from and I will share my experiences with you each week.
I believe that life is beautiful and magical and that we are all powerful beyond our wildest dreams. My aim is to use my power to its full extent and live the life of my dreams!